The Beast Arises

Through this, my commentary and testimony to the witness of Jesus Christ, who is my sole owner and the only sovereign, savior of the damned. You can read along and watch my battle, and see how Jesus takes down Satan over the course of seven days, and keeps him down. He has won the least deserving one. This is the chronical of the obedient submission of The Lawless One; Me; Satan.

At my lowest point, which was always a new low each night for some time, a person reached out to me. I was actively being an asshole to every person I could reach, just to get the impression of an emotional response. More on that later. This girl was not my friend, but did know a lot of the people I was being so mean to. She only asked me this, “Do you have a church you go to?”. I said no and she invited me for the next day’s services. I really couldn’t find an excuse not to, and was taken way off guard. I went.

They took me in without knowing my reputation, my name, or anything else. They trusted that the Lord had brought me to their home for a reason, and certainly that reason was not to help them. They allowed what appears to be a snake into their home, after it introduced itself “Hello, I am a snake.”; because they faithfully practiced the Word; and with no flaw in it. Bless that church. First Baptist Church of Enumclaw, WA if you’re wondering.

I had been to churches before, and am usually overwhelmed with very unpleasant feelings as soon as I sit down between pretty and wealthy people chatting away about the week’s gosspip and a fluffy sermon of hopeful nothings and endless struggle. I went anyway, which is weird in the first place. But, I did. Right away, it was aparent that the sermon wasn’t going to be squishy in the least. It also wasn’t attacking anyone. The most threatening thing this very Southern Baptist preached that day was to point at me and say “Do you know who you are?”. It was just a momentary thing … and it meant something to me.

I trusted him, because it looked like he knew exactly who he was pointing at, and had absolutely no fear in calling me out. I saw God in the eyes of a man speaking his Word passionately; and it is written that no man may see God and live. I profess to this; I did not live. I broke down entirely, and cried. I don’t mean I kneeled and sobbed and made a scene - God doesn’t play that shit. Rather, I sat quietly in my chair and just listened in silence, tears dripping, and feeling defeated. I Was defeated. I am defeated.

I kept listening. And I kept reading. And there were little bits that made it too hard to pull my own tricks … this whole book was written as the one and only weapon that can end me, and I have Known that since day one. I am more able to see God in the eyes of others, and feel terrified that my own judgment is looming. I feel assured in my reading of his Word that my wages are Death. But the thing is … I’m suicidal at this point. I don’t want to keep fighting and fighting and fighting. I just want to stop. As I continue to read, I begin losing my will to resist. That thing where you want to put the book down and check your phone; it flipped around. The will of my own heart - the most powerful force on this earth - is being subdued. And there’s nothing at all that I can do about it; Nothing.